As you all may have noticed, I've been struggling with keeping up this blog. Whenever I would sit down to write something, the words just wouldn't come, and I hate forcing myself to write something I don't feel. And since I'm not in school anymore, I don't have to.
But I was thinking about this the other day, as I was randomly looking through my photos of the past year, in Prague, Bratislava, Italy, and the other random places I ended up while living in Europe. I have massive numbers of pictures from all those places. I have very few pictures of Honduras, even fewer of Pena Blanca. That, combined with my reluctance to write about my experiences led to a revelation of sorts:
I feel no desire to document my life here. For whatever reason, the impulse I've always had to write things down, to share experiences, to record memories for myself, has left me since getting to Honduras. It just doesn't exist.
Partially, this comes from my constant discomfort in any public location in town. On our weekend trip to Tela, a beach town full (or at least, more full) of tourists, I didn't have any reservations about taking out my camera. But here in Pena, where I already stand out like a sore thumb, I try to avoid drawing any more attention to myself than absolutely necessary.
But it's more than that. Something is holding me back from fully allowing myself to let go and commit to this country. I've now been here almost two months, and all my clothes are still in a pile in my suitcase. My earrings are strewn around my top shelf instead of in the earring picture frame Sonja made me. Whenever I've tried to fix one of these problems, I've given up after about a minute because it just didn't feel right.
I was so excited to come here before I left. I was excited to experience a new culture, a new part of the world. But with all the complications of school, bugs, social life, and primarily diet, I'm being pulled under, away from excitement and towards exhaustion.
I do want to be here. I want to follow through on my commitment to the kids, I don't want to feel like I'm giving up again, and leaving another opportunity because I couldn't make it work. However, if all of that is going to come at the expense of my physical, mental, and emotional health, it's not going to be worth it.
It's not over yet. Nothing has been decided. But it is on my mind. This place just doesn't feel like a home in the way Prague or even Bratislava did. I don't feel a connection to the people, the history, the culture like I did in Europe. On top of it all, I'm basically living off veggies and pasta and whatever beans I can manage to force myself to eat. I haven't felt healthy since getting here. For all these reasons, and others which will remain unpublished, the possibility of leaving before June has been discussed.
I have so much to give, so much to offer the world. In my current situation, I don't have the physical or emotional energy required to make this venture a success. If things don't get better (and I'm still hoping they will), I think it would be better for everyone involved if I found a different opportunity.
