I started writing this blog post a month ago and then forgot about it. So here are my thoughts about why I've decided to stay in Honduras from the day after I made that decision and from a month later.
12 November, 2014
Yesterday I bought a plane ticket home for Christmas, with a
return trip. If I've spoken to you at all since I moved to Honduras,
you know that this hasn't been the easiest experience for me. I've
been frustrated, angry, and physically unhealthy. If you had offered
me a Get Out of Honduras Free card at any point in the last 2 months,
I would have taken it with very little hesitation. The food situation
was bad, yes, but it was more than that. I didn't want to try to make
it work, so my efforts to improve my diet were half-hearted at best.
But then something started to change. About two weeks ago, the
student's antics stopped bothering me so much. It's not that their
behavior actually improved much, but I was better able to deal with
it. I accepted the kids for who they were instead of who I wanted
them to be. And they're awesome kids, even if they're not awesome
students. That alone made a huge difference.
I started working on my plans for next quarter and realized I
wanted to be here. I want to be here for the 9th grade
“Romeo and Juliet” unit, to do “The Raven” with grade 10. We
had a parade last Friday, and I want to be here for all these other
ridiculous events.
I realized I want to be here. I don't want to leave these kids.
They're frustrating and annoying and make me want to tear my hair
out. But they're also funny, unbelievably caring, and heartbreakingly
sweet. I've built relationships with them that I'm proud of, and I'm
not willing to give them up.
So I'm staying. After two weeks at home for the holidays and
returning loaded down with multi-vitamins, iron supplements, and
protein bars, I'm coming back to Honduras, hopefully to finish out
the year. There are no guarantees in life, so I cannot promise I will
actually make it through June. But this time, I know I want to. I
know what I'm getting into, I know what will be asked of me, and I
know I have the desire to do everything in my power to make it work.
11 December, 2014
In the month since I decided to stay, I have only felt better
about my decision. Leaving for good would be the hardest thing in the
world right now. I'm more than ready for a break, to have two weeks
at home to refresh myself and feel really healthy, but I'm not ready
to say goodbye. Here's why.
One of the biggest frustrations I've faced here is the complete
apathy most students have to their school work. Those who know
they're smart and can squeak by with minimum effort do so. Those who
feel like they're falling behind or are confused about the material
give up. If something is hard, they just don't do it. They do this
because they know they will get moved up to the next grade regardless
of their actual abilities; that's how things work here. These attitudes obviously make them hard to teach. If they don't want to listen,
they won't. If they don't want to do the work, they won't. They just
give up.
I came here to teach English. And English is important. But what's
more important than English is teaching these kids how to be good,
responsible people. Since I'm in the high school, I'm preparing them
for university in the relatively near future. And if I gave up, what
kind of message would that send to them? If I said “This is too
hard, I don't like it. I'm leaving.” I would be doing exactly the
same thing that frustrates me so much about them. I've been telling
them for months to try harder, to ask for help, to just do the work
even when they don't like it, trusting that eventually good habits
will be built and the work will become easier. In some ways, the
students are to me what their homework is to them.
I don't want to be the kind of person who has to say “Do what I
say, not what I do.” I'm a walk the walk kind of person, so I'm
staying to do just that. I'm staying because these kids deserve more
than a teacher who gives up, they deserve a teacher who is willing to
fight for them, with them, and yes, against them sometimes, in order
to get them to be their best.
And ultimately, I'm staying because I have grown to love them.
