Nerves

     I finally got a confirmation email from the TEFL school saying they received my final payment. That means I can buy a plane ticket over there. I've been resisting buying one, mainly because I'm a chronic procrastinator, but maybe there was another reason. I started looking at plane fares basically as soon as I thought Prague might be a possibility, but I always knew I wasn't actually going to buy one. Until today. When I logged onto the fare-finding website, my stomach was in knots. This could actually happen now. There's nothing holding me back. I have enough money in my account, the school has a place for me; this is something I've committed to. But up til now, I could always back out. I could push back to a different month in Prague, I could change my mind and not go at all (although that would be distinctly more difficult for me to swallow). The plane ticket though, at least to my mind, makes it a done deal. There's no going back from there. This is the first time I've really experienced nervousness about this move. I've certainly known that I'm nervous about moving to a different country without a definite plan, but the excitement always overpowered it, or I was able to dismiss it, because this is my new, spontaneous self who's doing this, and that girl doesn't worry about things like jobs or future plans. The idea of actually buying a ticket scared all that out of me. I'm not doubting my decision. I'm still going to do this. I might just have to wait another day to spend that last chunk of money tethering me to the States.

Know Thyself

     In just seven weeks I'll be leaving for Prague to get a TEFL certification. I'm unbelievably excited, but also indescribably terrified. This is without a doubt the riskiest thing I've ever attempted. I'm about to leave home, train for a job in which I have no background, and then hope to find a place willing to hire someone with no experience other than having grown up in the United States and whatever teaching I manage to stumble my way through in Prague. It's a huge leap of faith. But it's a step I feel I have to take. My whole life I've planned things out the way I wanted them and when reality intruded, I ignored it until I had no choice but to accept that things had changed. I spent a miserable two and a half years in college deluding myself that Physical Therapy was my future, when really I've been an English major practically since birth. I've held on to friendships longer than I should have because I didn't want to believe that people could change so drastically.  I've gotten in trouble (not real trouble, mostly emotional) for placing too much trust in the rational, planning ahead part of my brain, and it's time to change that.
     Going to Prague with no real plan forces me to live in the moment. I don't know which country, which continent, I'll be in 3 months from now. I could be living in Prague still, I could have found a job in Peru, or Thailand. I'm ready to let myself be spontaneous, to throw myself into the world and trust that someone will catch me. As I've been telling people my plans (or lack of them, really) the most common question has been: Why Prague? My answer, at least in my head, is: Why not Prague? I don't have anything holding me here, no solid job once my AmeriCorps contract runs out mid-July, no relationship, nothing but my family. Granted, many of my friends are still in Minneapolis, but many more have left to explore the world on their own terms. And now it's my turn.