Decisions, Decisions

     As those of you who know me well are quite aware of, I am a champion of indecision. I dither, and dather, look at every possible angle, stress out, and generally make myself miserable. I've come to realize that most often, there isn't a right or wrong answer to my problem. Usually, I'm trying to decide whether to follow the lead of my head or my heart, which almost always want different things.
     Recently, my dilemma has been about staying in Bratislava; whether to commit to the school, the kids, Petrzalka, and Slovak for another whole year. My original commitment was to come for the semester, while leaving the possibility for next year open on both sides. Within days of my official visa coming through, I was signing my contract, and the principal told me they would love for me to return. There was absolutely no hesitation on their part, which was encouraging, but not a sentiment I could match. It felt good knowing that I had done a strong enough job for them that they would unreservedly ask me back, but I asked for time to think about it, and was given a month.
     In typical Meta fashion, I went back and forth. Just like when I was trying to decide between Istanbul and home, I had moments where each option seemed inevitable, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But then something would happen, or I would have a conversation with someone, or I would do nothing but wake up, and my mind would have changed. My thoughts percolated in my brain, filtering into my consciousness without much drama. I was proud of myself that I was handling this decision-making process so well.
     And then, the day before our new flatmate was due to arrive, after a conversation with my supervisor, I nearly had a panic attack on the bus ride home. The decision that I thought I had made was turned on it's head, and I was no longer sure. She hadn't even said anything to try and sway me either way. Like the incident with the Czech postal system, it just created a storm inside my brain which made me question everything both my head and my heart had been telling me.
     My head, the logical part of me, had been saying that staying in Bratislava made so much more sense than leaving. My visa was taken care of, I had a job, a place to live, friends. I wouldn't need to readjust to a new foreign language, and would maybe even be able to pick up a decent amount of Slovak. I'd be in Europe, convenient to possible grad schools, as well as some of the most beautiful places on the planet. Teaching could only get easier; I would know most of the kids, I'd be teaching the classes right from the very beginning, and I'd have an entire semester of experience under my belt. Perhaps most importantly after all the teacher turn over this past year, they would have a consistent faculty, good for both the kids and the school itself. Staying here would make sense, in many important ways.
     My heart, on the other hand, reminded me that there was so much more in the world than Europe, that I had looked at jobs in Latin America and Asia before hearing about C.S. Lewis. It told me that the challenges of Bilgym would not go away just because I was an 'old' teacher. It tugged me towards another new adventure, a fresh start, and some time at home.
     The conflict had come to a head that day on the bus, and I knew I needed to make a decision as soon as I could, because otherwise, I was going to lose my mind. So that whole first weekend with Sierra here, as I was showing her around the school, around Bratislava, there was always a voice in the back of my head asking if I could stay here. Her newness, her optimism and excitement, threw my indecision into greater relief.
     Finally, finally, on Sunday after almost a week, I made my decision. Or rather, I made my peace with the decision that I had been fighting for weeks.
     I am, once again, choosing to come home, at least for a while. I decided that the possibilities the world was offering me were worth more than all the security Bratislava could. I decided that no matter how much I wanted to give the kids a sense of continuity, I wouldn't be as valuable a teacher if I didn't want to be there myself. I decided that I could use the experience I gained and lessons I learned here (and for which no words can sufficiently express my gratitude) more effectively somewhere else.
     So now I am once again job hunting. I've sent out some resumes, received some positive responses, and scheduled a couple interviews, all in South and Central America. I'm confident that I will end up where I'm meant to be, as that clearly is no longer Bratislava.
     Ideally, this means I will get home early in July, and spend my first week in the States not in Minnesota, but in Tennessee with KY Reunion. Then, after several weeks of relaxing, seeing people I love, and enjoying the city that will always be home, I would head back out. Not east this time, not across an ocean to Europe, but south, possibly across the equator, to explore a new part of the world. I don't know exactly what's in store for me, a state which I am rather reluctantly getting used to, but I'm excited to find out.