It's been a rough week. Since deciding to leave Prague I've been looking at job possibilities around the world, trying to figure out what's coming next. Last week, I set up an interview with a company that provides English teachers for private schools in Istanbul. The day of the interview I left school early because I had a massive headache, my entire body ached, I was chilled, and a little lightheaded. Not exactly the best condition for an interview. But it went ok, and I was invited to make a video outlining my background, why I wanted to teach in Turkey, and my classroom management strategies. So I did, and I sent it off Thursday morning, asking that they get back to me by Friday afternoon. Because here's the thing: the start date for the next intake of teachers? 21 October. Less than two weeks away.
I didn't even have to wait a day. Thursday afternoon there was an email in my inbox congratulating me on being accepted for a placement in Istanbul. I was, however, unsure that I was going to take it. First of all, 10 days is a very short amount of time to prepare to go to a brand new country to start a brand new job about which I knew very little. Also, I need time to organize myself mentally for any massive life change such as this would be, and I didn't know that 10 days would be sufficient. Secondly, I didn't want to jump into this job just because I was in a time crunch and needed somewhere to go. If I really wanted to go to Turkey and commit myself to this, then great, but if I was only excited about it because it meant having a job...well, not so much. Finally, my mental health has not been at its peak recently. I've been stressed out, first about my visa, and then about what I was going to do after leaving Prague, I took a hit with Papa dying, and I've been sick pretty much constantly since starting work. I didn't think my decision-making capabilities were at their best. So while I was excited about the possibility of Istanbul, I was unwilling to launch myself into Turkey quite yet.
I had also recently come to the conclusion that going home would not be the disappointment I had thought it would be. In the few days leading up to the Istanbul offer, I was really craving home, and not just because I was sick. Going home would allow me to rethink my priorities, center my thoughts and surround myself with a loving, familiar environment after what has been a very difficult six weeks. So, following the receipt of the job offer, my choices were: go to Istanbul for 8 1/2 months or go home.
Such was the draw of both possibilities that I spent days agonizing over my decision. I'd vacillate wildly between them, one moment thinking that Istanbul would be perfect and going home seemed like I was giving up on this life that I had wanted for so long. The next moment, I would think I was crazy for even considering moving to Turkey with 10 days notice, no housing, incredibly limited knowledge of the culture and no knowledge of the language. At one point, I got so far as telling my family I was going to go to Turkey, which was followed not even an hour later by a breakdown precipitated by the labyrinthine workings of the Czech postal system (don't ask), and I was no longer sure.
To make a long story short (too late!), I spent the entire weekend trying to decide which direction I was going to go, literally and figuratively. I talked to Mike, my friend from TEFL who is currently in Istanbul on the same program I had applied to. Hearing from him was super helpful, and I never could have reached any sort of decision without his input, so thanks Mike! I talked to my family. I talked to some friends, near and far. And I was still miles away from anything making sense.
Then, Monday morning I woke up, and things had kind of fallen into place in my brain. I spent the day reflecting, and decided I felt good about my inclination. So after getting home from work, I Skyped with my mom and told her what I had decided: I'm going home. I'm going home to sleep in my own bed, to explore streets I could walk down with my eyes shut, to remind myself there will always be a home for me somewhere. Home can be anywhere, and I hope to experience many different versions in many different settings. Minneapolis will always be home. I'm ready for home.
One of my biggest concerns about going home is feeling like I've somehow failed myself. Feeling like I let myself down by not being capable enough to make Prague work, and not brave enough to venture to Istanbul. Feeling like the adventure I've wanted for so long is ending, without any concrete plans to keep it on track. I can't turn those feelings off. But I can try to put a different face on them. I wrote in my last post that I was ready for the next step, whatever it was. And this is it. I've come to the conclusion that in order to move forward, I need to first move back. Trying to push myself into a new environment at this point would probably not be very healthy. I feel like this goes along with my horses out of the gate metaphor: going to Istanbul now could easily burn me out and send me back frustrated and fed up. In order to maintain my dream of living abroad, I need to take things a little more slowly and make decisions deliberately, not because I feel desperate and need someplace to go.
And I haven't failed. I did what I came to Prague to do. I got my TEFL certificate, a document which will allow me to travel basically anywhere in the world anytime I want. I made a life for myself in a foreign country, regardless of how long it lasted. I made wonderful friends who I look forward to visiting all over the world. I learned mountains about myself, and I grew in innumerable ways. I haven't failed.
As excited as I am to be back in Minneapolis and live a life I understand, I don't want it to last forever. Growth happens when you don't understand things, when you have to work for them to make sense. My going home now doesn't mean I won't ever leave again. I will. My time there will be a respite, a sabbatical before I add more stamps to my passport; it will give me a chance to be intentional about the next part of my life. I'll be able to explore different kinds of options and think outside the box. And when the time does come for me to leave again I'll have a better idea of the challenges I'll face moving abroad and will be better equipped to deal with them.
I'm not done wandering. The currents have pushed my ship back into port for now, but soon enough I'll be back on the water, the wind in my face, racing with arms outstretched towards the horizon.
Please don't feel like you've failed. As I said in my last comment, I think you've accomplished a lot already. It just may not be as clear now as it will be later. I also know (totally) that it's difficult to be sure what you're getting into in a new situation. The vibes you got about Turkey weren't good. I think you were very brave to make the decision to regroup. It will be good to see you. Thanks for all the honesty and good writing so far in your blog.
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