Questioning

     You remember how I said about a month ago that I had this huge feeling of assurance that I was where I needed to be, and everything was coming together to make this happen? Well...things have changed. Prague hasn't really been making me happy. It's not that I'm unhappy; things here are fine. But fine is kind of boring. Minneapolis was fine. If fine was what I wanted, I would have stayed there. Fine is not what I want. I want much more than fine. I want to be happy. I want to be amazed every single day, and thankful for challenges I am faced with. As much as I hate to say it, I've grown a little blase about Prague. Aside from the language difference, and the obvious things like absence of family, etc., there really is not much difference between my life here and life in Minneapolis. Prague has ceased to astound me and become just another beautiful European city, one which I am privileged to know, but not one to which I feel a strong tie. Our acquaintance has cooled, and we've both realized we're not going to become best friends. We'll remain on good terms, maybe even catch up every so often, but we just don't click in the way good friends do.
     While it would be easy to blame these feelings of uneasiness and discontent on the fact that my grandfather just died and I want nothing more than to be at home right now, it's simply not true. I would love to go home: to see my family and friends, drink in the trees along the river that should be starting to turn color just about now, walk down Lake Street, have dinner at True Thai, go to church, experience all the comforting elements of my life to this point. But I know that were I to be there for more than about two weeks, I would start to get restless again. My palms would itch to feel centuries old buildings, my lungs would burn for different air. My heart and my head would wander the world, and I would never be content until I satisfied those desires. It's not a longing for home that's making me reconsider my long term plans.

Here's what is:
1) Speaking practically for a moment, I'm having the hardest time pulling my visa together. And none of it is my fault. In order to get my trade license, I need my landlord's signature notarized on several documents. I got them to her about three weeks ago, and after pushing back one deadline a week later, I haven't heard from her at all. Had I been able to function at a normal level last week, I would have thought about asking after the forms, but honestly, going to school was a stretch, and I was not up to dealing with cranky landlords and Czech bureaucracy. Not even a little bit. So I didn't. It didn't even cross my mind. So now I have one month left on my tourist visa, and still no paperwork to even get the process started. This whole situation has grown simply ridiculous, and the utter absurdity of the delays and number of appointments I've made without anything to show for them makes me think it just isn't going to happen. 

2) Moving away from the practical aspects now, I just don't feel challenged here. Not mentally, spiritually, or intellectually. Bureaucratically maybe, but that has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a bunch of strangers running the country who care nothing about me; so I refuse to incorporate them into my decision making process more than absolutely necessary. I came here wanting to prove to myself that I could do something crazy. That I could move to a foreign country on my own, without a real plan. I did that. And, as far as things that are under my control are concerned, it would be possible for me to stay here indefinitely. I have a job and I have a place to live, both of which I found entirely on my own. It is possible for me to be a self-sufficient person. Prague was the perfect place for all of this. But now I'm feeling like I want to move on. Prague was a wonderful first step, and I will never regret my choice to come here. However, a first step implies there's other steps to follow. I want those other steps. I want to question things, to have my jaw drop, to have stars in my eyes, to feel something about the things I'm experiencing, good or bad. So far, the biggest cultural differences I've noticed are that Czechs don't like wearing shoes inside. And that they like their beer. Not exactly groundbreaking. There's so much world to explore, and I'm worried that staying in Prague is only scratching the surface. It's safe. I'm ready to take a chance on something bigger.

     To be fair to Prague, I think my expectations were perhaps unreasonably high. I wanted so much from this city, and had built up the experience so much in my mind both positively and negatively that there was no way any place could live up to them. And if falling short was an inevitability, I'm glad it fell short on the negative aspects of my imagination. If I was going to be dissatisfied, I'm thankful I was dissatisfied with how easy it ended up being. I'd much rather start slow and give myself the opportunity to pick up speed than jump out of the gate going full-tilt and burn myself out. I'm certainly not burned out. I want more.
     I don't have anything like a plan for what's coming next. I've been exploring some possibilities, but nothing's set in stone, or even sand. At best, I'm starting to dig. I'm going to need to figure something out soon though, because if the end of the month rolls around and I don't have anywhere to go, I'm screwed. Worse comes to worst though, I'll go home and figure things out from there. This is all scary, but strangely, not as scary as coming over here in the first place was. There's no way for me to know for sure if I'm going to be happy in any given place, but I do know that I have the ability to change things. I have the ability to act on my own behalf and accomplish things for myself. That's why I'm leaving Prague. I'll miss so much about this city: the wonderful friends I've made, the tree-lined streets leading to glorious cathedrals, the vibrant kids who've made me smile when I wanted nothing more than to cry. I'm going to miss them, but I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for my next big adventure.